Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
