Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
