Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
