I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
