My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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