I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
