I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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