I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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