This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
