just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
