i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
