i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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