I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
