I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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