Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
