I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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