Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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