You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
