i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
