hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
