i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
