$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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