when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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