roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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