I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
