She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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