My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
