Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
