i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
