I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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