At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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