..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
