U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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