We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
