If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
