he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
