The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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