Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
