I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
