she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
