Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i love accidental penises.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
