you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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