Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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