I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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