if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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