this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Acid is not a monday night drug
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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