HIV tests are more positive than that guy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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