im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
