So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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