what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Did I show you my penis last night?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
