i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
